Skip to main content

Time Goes By



Dreams and life. Life and dreams. They intertwine to create a mood sometimes and, this weekend, the mood was not the best. This isn't the first time I've written about the after effects of a dream, and it likely won't be the last. Apologies if it becomes tedious, but I ask you to please indulge me.

Some 19 years ago, right around this time of the year, I 'came out' of the closet, to my mother. It had been a long time coming, but what brought it to the fore was that a friendship had just ended. Badly. It had been quite a whirlwind with a classmate in our junior year of high school. His name was Kyle. I guess you could say that I loved him. He was certainly the first person to ever provide the sensation that accompanies being strongly attracted to someone (and by more than just appearance).

I've written about Kyle before, so this won't be a rehash. We were classmates for a school year, and friends for something like four or five months. We packed a lot in to those brief few months. Finally, things ended. It was mostly down to me. He began dating a girl, and I got jealous. A year or two after we stopped hanging out, I contacted him and asked how he was doing, and if he'd ever like to get together sometime? The answer was a brisk and firm, "No." And, that's how we left it.

You might imagine that the person who confirmed my sexuality (via emotion, not sex), and who made such a huge impact upon my developing psyche, has occupied my thoughts from time to time. This he did again on the Friday night of this past weekend. It was a pleasant dream. Kyle & I met up, somehow, and he was pleased to see me. Excited, even. In the dream, he was married with kids. He enthusiastically took me back to his home and introduced me to everyone. We talked. We exchanged phone numbers. He said he wanted to get together again. The dream, you see, was providing a positivity not found in reality.

And then it was over.

Perhaps the strongest aspect of Friday night's dream was the power it had over my mood for the rest of the weekend (and, even, today). It's rather startling that events two decades old can and do evoke such sadness. And that sadness was compounded when, Saturday night, some friends obliviously asked about another friend, Sean, whom things had ended had ended badly with just a couple of months ago. I went through the whole story with them and, unfortunately, that made it weigh on my conscience the next day.

You see, I don't like being a failure with people. And that's how I feel about how things ended up with Kyle and Sean. Was there blame to go around? Possibly. Possibly not. But I was definitely at fault for some of it. And, frankly, it sucks. Yes, we're all human. No, we can't get along with everyone. But, damn it, why not? Why must we encounter folks who end up wanting nothing more to do with us? Why did I allow events to take that course? Why and how did I fail?

There's a scene at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, when Captain Kirk is asked how he's feeling. Kirk smiles and replies, "I feel young." The events of this weekend have made me feel the opposite. I messed up a friendship with someone who meant so much to me and, 19 years later, I'm still aces at the task. The world has changed but Matt, apparently, has not. I feel old. I feel tired. Maybe this will pass. Hopefully.

All I know is, I want to feel young again.

Comments

  1. This is a very thoughtful post, and evocative for all of us, I think, in looking back over relationships at various stages in our life. Sometimes a relationship comes to an end because that is what was meant to be, even if it didn't seem so at the time. That doesn't mean, however, that you stop thinking about, or hopefully, that you don't stop learning something about yourself from it. Feeling young to me in the context of that wonderful movie means that you have the flexibility and ability to keep on learning from all of your life experiences, and that you don't fall into a pattern that never changes. So, I believe you ARE young--and this post demonstrates that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Susan,

    I absolutely love your analysis! And not only because you say I am young. :-)

    The ability to stay flexible, and to continue from life, is definitely something we should strive to maintain all our years.

    Thank you so much for commenting, and providing your wonderful insight!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If You Could Read My Mind

Dance clubs are a funny thing. They contain within their walls a life force and vibrancy sometimes unmatched anywhere else. When dusk settles and the lights come on, people will flood the dance floors to gyrate to music with hypnotic beats and songs about love, lust and fun at the disco. At gay bars, this sort of scenario usually increases ten-fold. It isn't for everyone, but for many it is a respite from the harsh realities of the real word. It is a place that isn't just a structure, but a sanctuary where folks -- minorities in their own communities -- can take shelter and unwind with abandon, at least for a few nighttime hours.
As someone who benefited greatly from such an aforementioned gay dance club, you can imagine my dismay at news of the closing of Chester Street Bar. In business for over three decades, gay-owned and operated, there was a time when C-Street (as it was known by most) was the only haven for those in the LGBT community, near and far, to enjoy themselves …

3/4

Ok, we're now three-fourths of the way through this year's calendar, so I thought I'd rank the thirty-eight 2017 movies I've seen so far.

Here they are....


1. A Quiet Passion
2. Baby Driver
3. Dunkirk
4. Get Out
5. Kedi
6. A Ghost Story
7. Wonder Woman
8. Columbus
9. Brad's Status
10. Marjorie Prime
11. Maudie
12. Logan
13. Spider-Man: Homecoming
14. Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2
15. Brigsby Bear
16. Atomic Blonde
17. The Big Sick
18. Split
19. Kong: Skull Island
20. It
21. Wind River
22. A Cure for Wellness
23. The Hitman's Bodyguard
24. Norman
25. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
26. Logan Lucky
27. Alien Covenant
28. Ghost In the Shell
29. War for the Planet of the Apes
30. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
31. Life
32. Annabelle: Creation
33. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
34. My Cousin Rachel
35. Baywatch
36. The Bye Bye Man
37. mother!
38. It Comes at Night


It will be interesting to see what the last three months of the year brin…

Unbound

"Step out from the mask you stand behind Fearful lost and blind Time to take the time The pressure’s on you Hide away, hide away No tomorrow, just today"
- Brilliant, Ultravox
Today was National Coming Out Day, so of course it gives some pause for reflection on my own coming out story. It was in April 1993, my junior year of high school (go Chargers!). In the six years of writing this blog, I have alluded to how I came out, but never really delved into the intricacies of how it came about. What better day to do so than today?
My first (small) indications of homosexuality manifested in grade school. While in first grade, I thought a fifth grader looked cute. In fifth grade, I would stare, longingly, at a boy in class, until he caught me looking at him. There were some infatuations with boys in middle school, and a first sexual experience during freshman year of high school. Everything up to that point had been, for the most part, based in the physical realm. I liked the way certain…