The Attraction Bias

A little over twenty years ago, I was talking on the phone with a friend. He is African-American, and gay. We were discussing male celebrities we found attractive, and he asked me about a particular one, who happened to be black. I don't remember who it was, but do remember saying that he wasn't my type. My friend offered a gasping protestation, to which I responded that I simply wasn't attracted to black men. This drew a remark of, "That's racist," from my friend.

The aforementioned conversation has always stuck with me, and returned to mind recently while reading an article about racism within the online gay dating community (and, no doubt, within the offline gay community, as well). Basically, if you're not Caucasian, then you'll likely face some barriers to acceptance. And, sometimes, the automatic rejection based on race can be cruel. One could argue that someone who would cruelly dismiss another because of their ethnicity isn't worth the tears, but it still doesn't answer the question that I'm most concerned about: How much of our physical attraction is environmental vs. biological? And does one excuse the other?

Lady Gaga's 2011 song Born This Way has become a rousing gay anthem. Many in the LGBTQ community herald it as a piece of music that speaks to them, and should speak to the rest of humanity at-large. Homosexuals, the sentiment goes, are born preferring people of the same-sex. It is used as a rallying cry, and as a shield from oppression. Longtime readers of this blog will know my reticence to use biology as defense of being gay. I am not, necessarily, disputing the accuracy of such a notion, only that it shouldn't really matter whether or not we're born gay, lesbian, or bisexual. If we want to have sex or settle down with someone of the same-sex, then that's fine. No excuses -- biological or otherwise -- should be required.

I mention the whole 'born this way' notion because it can become problematic when faced with the prospect of racism within the gay dating community (or any dating community, for that matter). But to proudly proclaim that our lack of attraction to those of the opposite sex is without learned influence, but that our lack of attraction to certain people of different ethnic backgrounds is most certainly a learned prejudice that needs to be addressed seems like two set-in-stone beliefs that could potentially oppose one another.

Before we continue, I want to make clear that I certainly believe that folks in the LGBTQ community are not immune from racism. I've been around a few white gay men in my time who casually threw around the "n" word when referring to black people they knew. So, yes, racism definitely permeates our community, as it does many others. But, is dating in another realm entirely?

Putting aside the acknowledgment of overt racism for a moment, what of the possibility that the reason a person may not be attracted to someone of a different ethnic background is because their is some insidious bias floating around within their being? It's possible. It could be an ingrained prejudice, something that has become so environmentally entrenched that the person is unaware that it has shaped and molded who they want to be with. But that possibility is why I also demure from wholeheartedly embracing the belief that those of us with same-sex attraction are this way completely because of biology. Perhaps we are, but maybe we're not? Ultimately, I don't think the whole nature vs. nurture argument matters -- from a social point of view -- because one's sexual preference isn't a burden on society.

All of this brings us back to the question of who we love, who we want to copulate with, who we desire, and why. And that is an age-old question. The devices and desires of our own hearts will perhaps forever be beyond our grasp. If, for example, an African-American gay man isn't, as a general rule, attracted to Native American men, is that because of some prejudice learned during his life, or because of some unknowable chemistry within him, that also resides within all of us (with different combinations), that shapes our attractions toward others in some unknowable way?

I didn't tell you how the conversation with my friend ended. After he said my lack of attraction to black men was racist, I asked my friend if he ever at any point decided to be gay. He said no. I replied that I didn't one day decide, 'I'm not attracted to black men,' and said it was the same thing. My friend seemed to be satisfied with that, and we moved on.

That conversation was twenty-plus years ago, and life has, of course, taught me that racism doesn't need to be conscious in order to exist. So, I was wrong to use it as an excuse. And yet... why are we attracted to some people, and not to others? Is the lack of attraction to an entire ethnicity simply a marker of learned, ingrained prejudice, or something else? And how (if at all) does it relate to why some people are attracted to the opposite sex, others the same-sex, and still some who are attracted to both? I've been thinking about this for over twenty years without an answer. Perhaps in another twenty years there will be an understanding.