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Not Like a Song, Not Like a Movie

Expectation vs. reality can be a harsh thing. Perhaps nowhere is this more true than in our interpersonal relationships. So often we strive for a connection with someone, only to discover that they do not desire the same. We want an affirmation from others about who we are as human beings, yet do not receive such interaction when it is most wanted. And, of course, we want a storybook closure to our relationships with others, an ending that all too often is never written the way we'd like, or expect, it to be.

We'll see a movie where someone likes someone else and, in order to let them know, will write them a love song. Maybe there'll be a scene where, in a crowded night club, person A will get on stage, strum their guitar (it's always a guitar, isn't it?) and coo their homegrown lyrics to person B in the audience. Person B, the object of the affection, will tear-up, fall in love there on the spot and eventually the two will go off together in a blur of romance.

Real life doesn't happen in such a fashion. Most often, person A would accomplish nothing more than creeping out person B, who likely would not reciprocate the amorous feelings. Such is life.

What about the movie where a parent is dying, and the (now grown) child has some unresolved issues with them? On nearly every occasion, the parent and child will have some sort of heartfelt reconciliation before the elder passes away. All will be right with the world, and their emotion well-being. Again, such a Hollywood ending doesn't always occur. Trust me on this.

Recently I discovered some information about the first person I fell in love with. He represents a pivotal point in my life, the impetus for my coming out. We haven't spoken with one another in over twenty years, though I always imagined we would again some day. I envisioned some sort of occasion wherein he would let me know that I had been as important a figure in his life as he'd been in mine. Alas, judging by what I've discovered, it is unlikely that is the case.

For better or worse, we live our lives in search of others to connect with. It is why we form relationships -- platonic and romantic. We seek someone to be a mirror of our lives, to share it with us, so that we may feel some sort of resonance with the world. We seek acceptance. We seek love. This can affect our mood and our outlook. Unfortunately, we must also learn not to expect such affirmation on a regular basis. It can be really, really hard for people to click.

In the meantime, best to appreciate the successful connections we've made during this life.


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27. Alien Covenant
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29. War for the Planet of the Apes
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If You Could Read My Mind

Dance clubs are a funny thing. They contain within their walls a life force and vibrancy sometimes unmatched anywhere else. When dusk settles and the lights come on, people will flood the dance floors to gyrate to music with hypnotic beats and songs about love, lust and fun at the disco. At gay bars, this sort of scenario usually increases ten-fold. It isn't for everyone, but for many it is a respite from the harsh realities of the real word. It is a place that isn't just a structure, but a sanctuary where folks -- minorities in their own communities -- can take shelter and unwind with abandon, at least for a few nighttime hours.
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"Step out from the mask you stand behind Fearful lost and blind Time to take the time The pressure’s on you Hide away, hide away No tomorrow, just today"
- Brilliant, Ultravox
Today was National Coming Out Day, so of course it gives some pause for reflection on my own coming out story. It was in April 1993, my junior year of high school (go Chargers!). In the six years of writing this blog, I have alluded to how I came out, but never really delved into the intricacies of how it came about. What better day to do so than today?
My first (small) indications of homosexuality manifested in grade school. While in first grade, I thought a fifth grader looked cute. In fifth grade, I would stare, longingly, at a boy in class, until he caught me looking at him. There were some infatuations with boys in middle school, and a first sexual experience during freshman year of high school. Everything up to that point had been, for the most part, based in the physical realm. I liked the way certain…