Left to my own devices

A few years ago I was walking around the St. Louis Galleria during June. It was Pride Month and, as I made my way past the mall stores, noting how so many of them had pride flags in their windows, I became a tad misty-eyed marveling at how far we'd come. I couldn't help but think of younger Matt, back in the 1990s, who was terrified at the prospect of coming out, and wondered how much stronger he would have felt if he'd been able to see pride flags displayed at public places. A gay friend I was with at the Galleria (and, honestly, I can't remember who it was now) scoffed at the displays, and his reaction caught me off guard. He bitterly remarked that it was just some hollow corporate show, put on because being gay was in vogue. I didn't really understand that because my mind was still cast back decades earlier to when seeing such an exhibition -- hollow or not -- just wouldn't have computed for me. I responded to the friend with something like, "Well, I sti...

A couple of things happened last month that I wanted to write about, but the holidays (along with a serious bout of depression) got in the way. The first was a case that went before the United States Supreme Court, where a Christian web site designer refused to make custom web sites for same-sex weddings. The second was  news of a restaurant in Richmond, Virginia that refused to honor the reservation of a conservative Christian organization that, among other things, opposes same-sex marriage and abortion rights.

Recently I was part of a conversation about novels written by straight people that were about gay relationships. I kind of bristled at the idea. There's a well-reviewed book that I cited - Days Without End , by Sebastian Barry - about two men who fall in love during the American Civil War. Barry is straight. That's great - most people are. And, the writing of his novel came from a good place - he was moved by his son  coming out . Awesome. Based upon that, and the high praise the novel has received, I went to a local bookstore and purchased it. That was about five years ago. And it's sat on my shelf ever since.

The sexuality of one's friends isn't something I think about often. Well, why would you? The interests and commonalities we share with our platonic companions is enough to sate any curiosity we may have about them. We share our lives with them, talk about our days, perhaps recall moments that were shared together, and maybe discuss our plans for the future. The gender of their attraction isn't necessarily of paramount importance.

A little over twenty years ago, I was talking on the phone with a friend. He is African-American, and gay. We were discussing male celebrities we found attractive, and he asked me about a particular one, who happened to be black. I don't remember who it was, but do remember saying that he wasn't my type. My friend offered a gasping protestation, to which I responded that I simply wasn't attracted to black men. This drew a remark of, "That's racist," from my friend. The aforementioned conversation has always stuck with me, and returned to mind recently while reading an article about racism within the online gay dating community (and, no doubt, within the offline gay community, as well). Basically, if you're not Caucasian, then you'll likely face some barriers to acceptance. And, sometimes, the automatic rejection based on race can be cruel. One could argue that someone who would cruelly dismiss another because of their ethnicity isn't wor...

Actor Heath Ledger passed away eleven years ago this past Tuesday. I was reminded of this, and the impact of the movie  Brokeback Mountain , by an article from Attitude magazine. In truth, I'd forgotten just how powerful of a viewing experience it was, seeing that film for the first time. Brokeback Mountain , the story of two male ranch hands who fall in love during the early 1960s, was released in cinemas in late 2005. It was based on a short story by Annie Proulx. I read the story before watching the movie, and it didn't lessen the film's impact one bit. Brokeback Mountain wasn't playing near us yet, and we were anxious to see it. So, Ashley & I joined our friends Kevin and Brandon on a sojourn to Chicago in early 2006. There, in one of those movie-going experiences I'll likely always remember, we sat in the darkness of the theater and took-in the images on the screen. Images of heartache, shame, and of love.

F or better or worse, I associate certain songs and genres of music with being gay. Or at least with me being gay. This goes to having gone to the local LGBT club after coming out in the 1990s, and enjoying the music and atmosphere there. I've never lost my penchant for synth/dance music during the intervening years, and that's the sort of stuff I listen to during LGBT Pride months. It's PrideFest weekend in my hometown, so of course I've been listening to a self-curated playlist of songs that put me in mind of the joys, sorrows, ups and downs of being an out and proud gay man. Here are a few music videos of those songs, should you care to take a gander into the world of Matt's Pride Playlist. Hope you enjoy.

A recent ruling by a judge  allows for bar owners (among others, I'd guess) to remove Trump supporters from their establishment because there is not, apparently, protection under the law for political discrimination. Whatever side of the political aisle you fall on, that surely has to be a somewhat eye-opening factoid. More so than the ruling, itself, I've been intrigued by the online chatter about why certain folks have been okay with the decision. Discussions I have read seem to center themselves around why it is okay to allow political exclusion, but not okay to ban someone from someplace because of their ethnicity, or sexuality. The latter two factors are, many argue, not a choice, while someone's politics are most certainly chosen. The aspect of choice, it would seem, is what dictates punishment or praise. It is also, I would argue, not a great way of determining what we accept, or don't accept, about people.

The latest CU Pride Fest will occur this weekend, September 15th - 17th, in downtown Champaign. Undertaken by the UP Center of Champaign County , along with countless volunteers, Pride Fest is a celebration of the LGBTQ identity. As we approach this year's event, it hit home, more than ever this year for some reason, how important occasions such as this are. First, one might wonder why there is pride in something like sexual orientation, or gender fluidity, especially when it has been argued that people are born this way? Why, indeed. For some, that question will never have an adequate answer. For those more open-minded and empathetic, they can understand that pride comes from the condition of having been a marginalized minority. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender has often come with a stigma attached. And that's putting it mildly. Bullying, harassment, mental and emotional damage, legal inequality, and even death have been part & parcel with one being...

Dance clubs are a funny thing. They contain within their walls a life force and vibrancy sometimes unmatched anywhere else. When dusk settles and the lights come on, people will flood the dance floors to gyrate to music with hypnotic beats and songs about love, lust and fun at the disco. At gay bars, this sort of scenario usually increases ten-fold. It isn't for everyone, but for many it is a respite from the harsh realities of the real word. It is a place that isn't just a structure, but a sanctuary where folks -- minorities in their own communities -- can take shelter and unwind with abandon, at least for a few nighttime hours. As someone who benefited greatly from such an aforementioned gay dance club, you can imagine my dismay at  news of the closing of Chester Street Bar. In business for over three decades, gay-owned and operated, there was a time when C-Street (as it was known by most) was the only haven for those in the LGBT community, near and far, to enjoy the...

Once, several years ago, I was talking with a fellow gay man (who happens to be African-American), and remarked that I'm not really attracted to black men. "That's racist," he said, sounding affronted. Back then, perceiving racism as something of a choice, I retorted: "How can it be racist? I did not choose to not like black men, just like you didn't choose to be gay." This seemed to dissuade my friend from any further accusatory remarks. Over the years I've thought back to that occasion, and wondered if my friend might have been on to something? Of course it depends upon one's definition of racism (an oft-overused word these days), and the social/cultural dynamics one has been surrounded by in life. It's true that racist homosexuals do exist (once, when a gay guy found out I was biracial, he promptly told me that I was the product of race traitors, and should be hung from a tree). Still, are our sexual preferences a product of upb...

Those who know me, or are long-time readers of this blog, know my high school story. Graduated in 1994, spent the last semester learning via home bound education because of the incessant bullying (some of it due to my sexuality), and I didn't attend the graduation ceremony because, frankly, I was done with it all, and did not feel comfortable going back to the school. That was a pretty low time in my life. Later that year (December of '94 to be exact), I turned 19 and was legally able to go to bars in Champaign. The night of my nineteenth birthday I went to Chester Street Dance Club, a local gay night club, and ended up spending many weekends there over the next few years. While time spent at C-Street contained a fair amount of the drama and tumult one would expect when a bunch of gays and lesbians get together, it's fair to say that it served as a wondrous haven and safe space where one could just be comfortable within their own skin. I cannot over-express the ...

So much is happening in the United States at this moment. Strike that -- so much is always happening in our country but, this week, it feels like more than usual is taking place. Such is the power of the media, I suppose. Regardless, the riots in Baltimore have left me agonizing over the state of race and police relations, and the commencement of same-sex marriage arguments in front of the US Supreme Court has left me feeling anxious for the future of marriage equality in our country. The fact that these events are occurring at all is both sad and remarkable. It's sad that, in 2015, we're still torn apart by racial conflict. It's unclear how many centuries need to pass before we learn to treat each other with respect, whether we're wearing a uniform or we're simply an average citizen. It's remarkable that the societal discussion of same-sex marriage has reach SCOTUS in such a relatively swift manner, given the fact that it was a very taboo subject (esp...

In a recent episode of AMC's The Walking Dead , that mega-popular series about surving during a zombie apocalypse, the Governor of Woodbury ordered the firearms confiscated from his town's citizens. This was seen by some as a furthering of what they consider to be a conservative agenda fostered by the program. Others disagree, simply citing it as a storytelling tactic. Regardless of the gun confiscation issue, the argument can be made that The Walking Dead is somewhat conservative in nature. This is neither praise nor a rebuke of the program, simply a (subjective) observation. Of course, I'm conflating conservatism with how it manifests itself within modern day America and, also, within the Republican Party. That in and of itself could be cause for an argument.