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Mental Health Update


I have been plagued lately with a feeling of exhaustion. It is not, I think, a sensation of true fatigue, as that is a medical condition that consists of (among other things) unrelenting weariness. This sense of feeling utterly tired comes and goes, and isn't constant. So there goes the self-diagnosis. It's accuracy is anyone's guess. The causes of the exhaustion are many.

The first quarter of the year was usurped by a campaign for re-election to public office. That took a physical, mental and emotional toll. The summer has seen many excursions out of town to various places, for various reasons. While all of the trips have been under the guise of fun, they haven't provided much downtime. Work has been extremely busy. It seems like there hasn't been a period yet where it's been like: Ok, now we can catch our breath. Then there is the seemingly never-ending struggle with navigating the waters of friendship. There's a part of me that never seems to be satisfied with my interpersonal relationships.

I think about things constantly. Votes I have taken or will take. Am I a good spouse? Am I good friend? Why don't my friends visit more, or reach out to do things more often? Why does everyone seem so angry all the time? Is it something I've done? Have I been a good person? Am I a good person? Am I going to gain back all the weight I've lost? Is the work I do impactful? Do I suck at what I'm doing? Are people annoyed, or made uncomfortable, by me? Have I already reached, or passed, my zenith in life -- is this it? Will there ever come a point when I can stop thinking about things and just be happy?

It is unclear what will pull me out of this funk. I don't mind being sociable but, as the years go by, I find I prefer one-on-one conversations, though consistently find myself in group scenarios. And, the act of talking, of always being 'on,' is draining. I would love to be out with people, and not have to be the one talking, to just relax. The frequent excursions out of town, the act of traveling, tends to deplete energy, rather than restore it. Being the person to always initiate outings or getting together with others, saps me mentally, though when I pull back it can be weeks or months without hearing from people.

I'm just exhausted. I dunno, maybe it is constant? It comes and goes, but lately it's been residing so much within my psyche that it's picking out furniture and setting up residence. I don't have much, if any, self-confidence. I pretty much suck at everything I do, whether it be professional or personal, and see no light at the end of the tunnel. This will be the second Friday evening in recent weeks where I will probably go home and sleep from dusk 'til dawn. So it goes.




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