Assertiveness isn't always easy for yours truly. At times, people have mistakenly assumed I've agreed with them about something, mostly because I was too willing not to push back and rock the boat with them. A polite nodding of the head, slight wincing of the face, and averted gaze is, apparently, enough for some to conclude agreement. This tends to occur when I'm up against someone with an aggressive personality. Call it conflict avoidance, if you must.
Recently, I talked back to a guy who is always very pushy with his views, very dominant (even if he's not aware of it), and whom I almost always do my usual polite wince and nodding of the head routine. He'd previously pissed me off with something he'd written to me online, and I'd let it slide, but then he did it again, and so I asserted myself and let him know that it wasn't on. In fact, I copped an attitude and used words that actually made me feel uncomfortable, but got the point across. The guy backed-off, apologized, and even acknowledged that I was right.
Dear reader, I can't adequately elucidate the number of times this has happened. It goes as far back as grade school, and is probably what led to being a prime target for bullying. A kid who doesn't want to make a scene or rock the boat isn't likely to fight back. Other kids, with dominant personalities, pick up on this, and start the daily verbal and physical assaults. That was pretty much most of elementary school for me. Finally, after a stern "You've gotta fight back" lecture from my dad, I did fight back and, you know what? It worked. At least for a time. There are always more bullies.
I don't pretend to be somehow unique with this situation. No doubt many others have dealt with people who just have to establish their command or authority over some, or attempt to instill fear into others. I don't have the time or inclination to play armchair psychologist and wonder why that is. What I do know is that it's tiring. The same types of people, seemingly cut from the same cloth, who, eventually, you have to stand up to in order for them to either a) respect you, or b) leave you alone. It is, frankly, an infuriating pattern. And it occurs with startling rapidity.
Why is it so frequently necessary to have to "stand up" to someone in order for them to respect you? Heck, I don't even want or need their respect, just for them to be a decent human being and not be so aggressive or dominant. That respect element is perhaps the most worrisome aspect of the whole situation. The fact that someone will be a jerk, until you have to be rude about it and tell them not to be a jerk, and will then start to admire you because you've got "guts," or a "backbone," or "show strength" seems really unsettling to me.
What ever happened to just being nice to people?
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